I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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