somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
