Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize