I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
