shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
