There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
