are you still at the devil's house?
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Dicks are not precious.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
