Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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