Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
