My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
