Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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