Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
It all started with a game of naked twister.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
