And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
