Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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