I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
