I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
