I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
