Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
