dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
