do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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