Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
