The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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