Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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