best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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