moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
