So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
