i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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