when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I love having hate sex.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
