I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Randomize
