in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
