I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
