as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
