in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
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