I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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