Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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