he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
