He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
