tonight lets celebrate not being married
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Lo siento on account of my penis...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
