Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
