True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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