i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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