I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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