Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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