the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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