we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You can't just leave with hair like that
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
