got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
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