so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
