naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
ok first of all what the fuck
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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