You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Let's paint friendship bongs
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
