dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
