You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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