stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
