I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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