in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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