Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
