Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
