im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
