New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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