If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
