Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
